Christmas Truths

Dear Friends,

I had a year of confusion and lost items, mostly important paperwork, but also things that I put away for safe-keeping, never to be found again. I spend much of my day walking my apartment in circles, forgetting what I was doing once I get to the new room. At least I have managed to keep track of my false teeth this year.

I begin each day with a workout at the pool. I’m sure you can imagine how my day can be thrown off when the pool is shut down due to the mystery pool shitter striking again. Despite surveillance cameras and lifeguards, nobody seems to solve the mystery. Who knows? It could be me.

My friends and I enjoy having meals together and watching movies. We pay expensive cable bills but can’t find anything worth watching. Instead we share DVDs but only one person on our floor actually knows how to work the DVD player. How many remote controls must one have? The maintenance men are very good at this. They are also good at searching our questions on their smartphones, and have also been known to return our wandering spouses.

The ladies here are very nice and keep me busy. I hear it's important to stay active if you want to stay lucid, so I say yes to every invitation. As a result, my reputation is that of a gigolo. The truth is, I probably have a steady girlfriend, but I can’t find her apartment, and when she shows up, I can never remember her name.

Bettina takes me on weekend adventures with the grandkids. She drives like a crazy person and frankly I find it terrifying. I got her back though. One weekend we drove to Mt Pleasant to spend time on her girlfriend’s farm. I slept on a futon in the living room below and startled them all awake at 3 a.m. by shouting in German. I pretended not to know what they were talking about when they described it later that morning. Thank goodness I was able to find the bathroom in the dark or they would have been in for another surprise.

I’d better end this now, because I’ve misplaced the letter three times already and have had to start over.

Happy Holidays!

Love,

Heinz