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How to Get Bettina's Biceps

People often look at my biceps and ask, “Do you work out?”

I kind of know what they are asking, but I have no idea where to begin. Yes? I mean, not in the sense where I am paying cash to a gym for lifting perfectly weighed objects.

“Y’know…it’s actually just that I’m a spaz, and this is the end result,” I usually say.

I’m about to share with you one of my workout routines. They’re different every day. It’s better to mix things up so as not to dread your workout.

First, dump any man who you think is there to help you with things. Learning how to do the project yourself is way less frustrating than cajoling a partner into doing things for the household on your timeline - or at all. Doing it yourself costs less in therapy, it removes resentment, and it prevents you from having to live with a hen-pecked man, which does nothing for your sex life.

This tactic is actually a great method for choosing a man. If you open the garage, pull out tools and start fixing shit, and he excitedly joins you in the project without mansplaining things, and he buys you a set of power tools of your own, he’s a keeper. Never mind that dude who got another cup of coffee and flicked on F1 racing after shouting across the deck about what tool you probably need for that.

Just lugging the tools back and forth, in and out of your vehicle, and loading up a trailer will work your lower back, shoulders, forearms, biceps and triceps. Abs are always involved in lifting. Just be sure to protect your back by bending your knees and trying not to bend over at the waist. Engage those abs! Also, test the load with a light tug before putting your back entirely into something that might be too heavy for your spine.

I am in the process of selling a box truck. It’s been sitting for a while. I want these people to be happy with their purchase and allow that exciting adventure planning to continue spinning in their heads. I gather spray bleach, a scrubby, a hose, and a bucket of hot soapy water. That’s at least a thousand steps right there, including walking back and forth across the property dragging and connecting hoses. With all the stair climbing, this works quads, calf muscles, and even your lats are quite involved if you hand-over-hand the hose, knees slightly bent, shoulders back, abs engaged. This method is also good for those muscles between your shoulder blades and spine (rhomboids), which, when strong, will rotate your shoulders back, causing a more upright posture that increases your height and makes your boobs stand up.

Always wear something cute while you are working. It increases the likelihood of that dude to come help you. My ex would help me with gutters if I climbed the ladder without panties. This is *not* recommended when trying to get your teenager to help you. Besides, he will climb onto the roof and refuse to do anything because he is scared. You then drive him to the parking lot at his dad’s work to sit by himself because you don’t have time for that shit. Then you climb up the ladder and do it yourself. This ladder climbing works your proprioceptors. These are the sensors in your muscles responsible for balance. They create a cheetah-like appearance of a smooth and sexy walk in high heels. Reaching and scooping while gripping the roof shingles tenses up the entire body, including the anal sphincter, for a great isometric workout.

Really, you should always feel cute and confident. Just because you’re doing physical labor doesn’t mean you have to wear baggy Carhart’s and a stained t-shirt. Mini skirts never get in the way, and they are never getting snagged on things.

I am scrubbing the hood of my truck with Dawn dish soap and I would recommend that you go for it like you are angry. This isn’t a mere wiping. That will accomplish nothing but criticism from the guy on the couch needing to validate himself somehow. In fact, this is an excellent time to think about things that really piss you off. You can put that angry energy into something that gives you a shiny surface in the end. Those are good feelings. It helps you come back to reality much calmer. Just please do not mistake that for the dysfunctional situation being ok. If you were angry over something, it needs to be discussed. If it can’t be discussed in a calm manner with a sharing of ideas, then you’re gonna be scrubbing the truck again in just another couple days. This scrubbing is excellent for triceps and all the gripping forearm muscles. It uses the hell out of abs, especially if you scrub side to side. Side to side targets obliques - those sexy muscles running up the side of your belly, most likely hidden by cheese and beer.

Put up a step ladder to reach the top of the truck, but then go ahead and walk out onto the soapy hood you just scrubbed clean. Begin the scrubbing process in a place you can barely reach. This will work the arms in an entirely different way and is great for back muscles, which will now look amazing in an open-backed dress and halter tops. Get up on your tiptoes to engage calf muscles. When your muck boots slip and you are now sliding down the hood on the dorsal aspect of your feet, don’t flail. That’s how you tear ligaments in your shoulders and end up in the splits. Tuck your arms in, tuck your chin, bend your knees and grasp with a hand, keeping your elbow close to your side. Think “fetal”. Do NOT grab the windshield wiper for more than a second or two- just enough to slow you down. Otherwise it will snap off and you’ll be making a trip to the auto parts store. You don’t have time for that. A bruise on the hip as you're walking around the bedroom in your panties will remind that dude that you are perfectly capable.

You will most likely land on your feet. If not, this has definitely increased your bodily response and reflexes. This is *not* PTSD. Stop being so dramatic. This is a good time for a brief break. Go drink a glass of water. Dehydrated muscles always cause problems and will prevent muscle tissues from quickly rebuilding and instead cause soreness. Certainly never sit still after a blunt trauma or fall. Muscles will immediately stiffen. Walk it off.

On the very top of the step ladder it says “Please Do Not Stand Here.” Stand just below that. This is an advanced move. It is still quite sketch because a circular scrubbing motion is now necessary for the roof. That means you must use your abs, especially obliques, to stabilize the lower part of your body. Nothing below the belly button must move whatsoever, because as it turns out, that second fall is much more painful, as there is nothing in the way to slow you down or catch you. Walk it off. Go back up carrying the hose. Continue to that same step, just in a more mindful manner. Oh, and that circular scrubbing motion is great for strengthening rotator cuff muscles of the shoulders. Switch hands. Think, Karate Kid.

Carrying a full bucket of water is a full-body workout. Be sure to alternate hands so that your new athletic gait is not so strong on one side that you list. If you really want to spice things up, walk on the railroad ties bordering the flower beds. This will give muscles a more sinewy look. I would not recommend carrying the water bucket up the ladders until at least a year into your workouts. It may stabilize the ladder a bit when placed on top, but there’s just too much going on simultaneously, and the bucket falling WILL turn the ladder over. Besides, walking up and down the ladder every time you need to rinse the sponge will really go after those calf muscles as well as the booty, which should always be used to maintain balance. For example, as the ladder tips to one side, you throw your booty out to the opposite side. This move will make you a natural at whitewater rafting.

Every workout should include a bit of cardio. If you can’t start out with a 20-minute jumprope or jog, throw in some sprints at the end. As you are walking around the front of the truck, you may catch a glimpse of a man wandering up the street looking like he’s up to no good. He doesn’t see you, but what he DOES see, is the blower you have left laying in the driveway. He looks over his shoulder and nabs it, walking off like he’s not even in a hurry - until of course you sprint after him, shouting obscenities. When he turns to see a woman in a mini skirt and muck boots, wild hair, coated in dirt and bleeding a little, he will drop the blower and keep running. Don’t give up here. Hopefully you have your phone in your pocket clocking steps. Run a little more - like you want to catch him and don’t care about the blower. He will realize that you are crazier than he is, as well as dirtier, and then you can stop to walk back and let your heart rate normalize.

That’s the full body workout in just one afternoon, and you have paid yourself rather than a professional to do it, while avoiding the nagging, followed by sulking, from a man who also expects oral sex. By the way, you WILL break a nail.

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